Thoughts...
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Lights, Camera, Action
As I finally found some quality time for myself, basically a time where I can just lay back and relax, I started thinking about how so much has changed, the new path my life is going, the extreme career choices-slash-shift that I went through, all the “wild went to town” activities that I’ve been doing and then, right then and there, in some weird and crazy “I’ve found the light kinda way”, I realized how time flies by so quickly and so rapidly, that I started asking myself, what have I been doing? It’s been over a year since I actually sat down and thought about life, and though so much has occurred and so much has changed, somehow I’ve come across the thought that somehow life maintains to progress exactly along the same circular course. Similar to the millennium’s fashion craze of revolving around the extremely overused 70’s fashion trends, we on the other hand, simply just revolve around our issues, our problems, and basically, our-plain-out-everyday-drama. Though several people believe that drama is what gives our lives, life and personality, it makes me wonder just how much drama does one person really have to take, to actually be alive? And to that extent, it makes me question all the drama that I’ve witnessesed and experienced first hand during the past year, and it does completely nothing but make me doubt and whine to myself, is all this drama really necessary?
For a friend of mine whose dramatic comeback on the love boat is more of a remake of the Titanic than the dream cruise we all hopefully envision ourselves taking, I couldn’t help but get tired of her dilemma and her mainstay never-ending concerns about her “special GO boy”. One day she’d tell us that they’re over, next day, they’re talking things out, and then surprisingly (or is it predictably), they’ll go with the flow and see how things turn out… for the Nth (multiplied by infinity) times. Maybe she’s a masochist and enjoys getting hurt and feeling whatever she feels half of the time, or maybe not… Maybe she needs drama and breaking up has become so routinely that it has to happen for their “acting careers” to progress and become “emmy-quality”, or again, maybe not… But as a person, and as a friend, looking from outside the relationship in, I can’t really say that what they have is healthy, nor is it something that I can see myself putting up with or having the will power to find the emotional strength and the passion to keep the relationship and sadly to say, the love alive. A person who surrounds herself with only the person she’s living for, is in my opinion, doomed to be alone. They become too needy, that in a sense, they’ll become someone who puts up with so much shit and so much drama, that in the end, they’re nothing more than an emotionally battered wife or, ghastly, shall I say it?, another Gigli or another Jersey Girl.
Now, in relation to her situation, I’ve always had the thought that everyone has a saturation point or to candidly put it, a point where we’re just over the top fed up with all the bullshit and all the drama that we have to deal with and muddle through, but I also believe that in some cases, we do have to be optimistic and at times, quite hopeful that through time and much needed reconstruction, everything will work out and somehow it will all get better. But then again, optimism can only take us so far, sooner or later, our cups will be more half empty, rather than our buoyant half full cups. If we see ourselves living our lives and getting married to this person, then we should definitely go for it… But we always have to consider that sometimes, we just have to realize the actuality of the situation and accept the fact that we have to stop living the life that we wish we will have, and live in the life that we have in front of us, and face our problems and base our decisions not for tomorrow, but for later today.
Now as for me, I started to think about my own personal drama. The drama about losing someone or being rejected, the drama of being someone who is always judged and constantly ridiculed, or as a whole, the drama of simply being myself. And basically, I came up with a thought that maybe we do need drama to live a healthy and interesting life. Without drama, our lives would be so “grayishly-black-and-white”, or to better put it, our lives would be so tedious, so mechanical, and so-over-the-top monotonous. Without drama and our past experiences, who would we be? Without the spontaneous roles that life demands from us, what kind of personality would we have? If we all had no issues and no problems, what would set us apart from everyone else? And again, who would be?
Drama is what shapes us, whether it’s too much or too little, it gives us our identity, our views and how we choose to live and “ad-lib” our life, and just like the movies it’ll keep us on our feet, it’ll makes us curious, at times, it’ll frighten us, occasionally it’ll makes us cry, once in a while, we’ll end up having the time of our lives, and sometimes, if we’re extremely lucky, we end up being madly and foolishly, crazy in love...
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
“Masking Reality”
As I experienced a lot of things end this week, school, my seemingly endless jar of creatine, and the last day with my gym partner, I couldn’t help but deny that I wasn’t at all enthusiastic about “the final chapter”, as I liked to call it. Today, as expected, my gym buddy’s gym-mate came back from France, and I was yet again, left alone. I was there benching about 60 lbs without anyone spotting me, looking after me, and making sure that I was doing the exercise correctly. I was completely and utterly destroyed about my loss, but whenever he, my gym-mate, came by, I put up a front and neatly put on my happy-face mask, letting him know that I was alright by myself, and that I didn’t need his help whatsoever. And then it got me thinking, are masks in fashion only on Halloween? Or have we been sporting masks all year round? And if that is the case, do we really ever reveal ourselves when it comes to our friends and our loved ones, and at some point, can we ever truly say that we are really real?
As I always thought and believed that I should do everything by myself because in the long run, that’s the only person I can trust, I couldn’t deny that I enjoyed my gym-partner’s company. It was in a way, very comforting and very encouraging, and to some level, I became quite happy and satisfied with what we had. But on that terrible and agonizing Wednesday afternoon, I couldn’t help but feel jealous of his old gym partner who came back from his 20 day tour of Europe. As sad as I sounded, I certainly didn’t look the part. I acted confident and showed no sign of sadness whatsoever. I was happy!! And definitely independent. But why didn’t I feel it? Why did I feel the opposite? I couldn’t help but wonder, why do we act so strong when in reality, we really aren’t? Why do we put up this front that makes us seem so “I got everything together” when in fact, we’re really just so vulnerable and so fragile inside?
As for a person that I’ve grown quite attached to for the short time that I’ve known him, his mask is a beautifully designed “I’m surviving” mask. A mask which he used to seek redemption, retribution, and temporary happiness after a terrible a painful break-up. This “kuya” of mine is definitely someone just enjoying his life and living it to the fullest, even if it means, shedding some of his years and acting like a rampant and uncontrollable 19 year old guy who was just introduced to sex. But his life and his current lifestyle made me question mine as well. Why was I always turning down dates and set-ups from my friends who were so eager to see me date? Why was I always so scared of becoming like my “Kuya” here, having an engagement almost every night. Why couldn’t I just go out and enjoy life for what it was? Why was I so hesitant and so afraid to take a chance, and in a way, love again?
As much as I wanted to be quite open and somewhat frank about speaking my mind, I couldn’t help but deny that I was hiding the truth. I was scared. I was scared of allowing someone to enter my world yet again and become the center of it once more. Then it hit me, do we wear these masks to cover our emptiness and the hurt that fills our love-fearing souls? Or are we all just closet pessimists, who are frightened and fearful to our wits when it comes to love?
As for a close college friend of mine, her mask of insecurity and mask of pessimism was always on. She was afraid of losing the guy that she gave up everything for, and in a way, afraid that history will repeat itself and end up biting her in the ass. Her fear of love, due to so many failed relationships, has in a way, traumatized my friend too much. She has grown weary and tired of always being the one trying to fight for the relationship, while the other parks itself and only aids in bringing it down. Though many events and setbacks have occurred, her will and determination has been put to the test, and in a way proved a lot of people wrong. But like everyone else, we have our limits and our saturation points to when we can fight for the love of someone and when we have to stop. And when that moment comes, let go, because sometimes, fighting too much is really, just too much. And though some of us would rather prefer to keep going and pursue the loved one that we are losing, keep it mind that it won’t always turn out the way we would have wanted it to or the way we imagined it would be, because as we all know, the slightest little thing could change the outcome of the future in a big, big way.
But even though many relationships, friendships included, are easily destroyed through little white lies and deceitful acts, we have to go on with our lives, and make a decision on what mask will go with our outfit today, because as we all know, life won’t stop and wait for us to recover from the all the emotional baggage that our hearts and our souls carry, but what we can do, is to try to live life for what it is, even if it means, wearing a mask and covering our badly beaten faces, for the time being. But when the time comes when we’re ready to reveal our true surface, the scars, the blemishes, and the craters that once haunted our character, will seem like a distant memory, and we’ll just remember it, and do nothing but plainly laugh and casually wonder, what was I hiding from?
Monday, October 27, 2003
"The Perfect Fit"
As I was distressed and completely clueless about a paper and a presentation that I was struggling to get done, I couldn’t help but imagine what I was going to wear the next day. I had this big report for class, and of course, I wanted to look my best. I wanted to be sure, I wanted to make a statement, but most of all, I wanted to be confident. And as I opened my closet and tried on almost all of my button down shirts, I couldn’t help but notice how big they were. It seemed as if my shirts outgrew me or maybe, I just got smaller. But the thing that bothered me is that, just recently I had gotten most of the shirts altered due to the fact that they were becoming quite huge and unsightly. So here I was, planning to get the shirts altered yet again, when it hit me. In break-ups and other problems, are we really moving on, or did we just outgrow the pain? Did we just get tired of crying and trying to win someone back? And if that is the case, in relationships, can we ever avoid outgrowing each other?
As I thought about me outgrowing the pain, outgrowing love itself, and basically, outgrowing the thought of any kind of emotional attachment to anyone, that in my opinion, in the end, will ultimately disappear, I couldn’t help but to think, will I be alone forever? As I sadly thought about my life, I realized that now, I’m more independent and I’m more of a “one person guy”. I outgrew the thought of relying on people, or maybe I was just scared. Scared, in a sense, that it won’t pull through. That somehow, they won’t stay ‘til the end, and eventually leave me hanging. But as I thought and analyzed my life and its current direction, I saw myself going nowhere but down. So there I was, faced with my reality and I had no other thought in my mind, but to change it. So I gave in. I started to trust, and I accepted “something” that inside I knew I wasn’t ready for. And as I went through this “something” the only thing that went through my mind, was that I wasn’t ready yet, and realized that it wasn’t actually something I wanted, but something that I wanted to prove to myself and to everyone. Maybe I haven’t outgrown the thought of being alone or the thought of a “happy single-life”, but what I do know is that it was a mistake to rush myself into something that I knew I wasn’t prepared for.
But as for another whose current situation is what I would refer to as the journey to hell, her life right now, couldn’t be any worse. The dilemma of guessing whether her ex outgrew her or not or the question of trying to win him back or giving up then and there are the only things that saturates her mind and her thoughts. And though most of the people around her, including myself, advised her to try to win him back, I couldn’t help but wonder, have we actually thought this out or were we just giving advice to help a good friend get through the pain? As I thought about my trials and tribulations, the how many months I went through trying to win someone back, I couldn’t help but wonder if ever she came back, was all the pain that I went through worth it? Maybe or maybe not. To some point all the pain and all the disappointments that we, as the lost dog trying to find our way back to home, have experienced will ultimately kill our souls. And though pride, self-esteem, and any other virtue was never an issue with me or probably to anyone trying to win someone back, trying to pick yourself up after everything backfired is so much harder than winning that person back. But from my point of view, I never regretted one moment that I tried because I knew deep down inside, if I didn’t do this, I would wonder forever. Wonder endlessly about the “what ifs” and the “what might have beens, and always have that “something” in the back of my mind pushing and pressing buttons trying to make me realize if I did this some other way, would it be different? Personally, the only thing I could tell my good friend is don’t only follow your heart, but follow your mind as well. Though right now, it may seem like he is “the One”, the one missing in your life and the one who will bring the old “You” back, it makes me question, are your motives just for yourself or for the both of you? Is this pursuit of happiness a way of satisfying your needs and your sudden emptiness or is it really just the thought of him being with someone else? Would it be better if you guys are apart or together? And are your past memories enough to get past the pain and secure a survival the fourth time around? I guess, time can only tell right? No one really knows who we end up with or how many lovers we have down the road. And as a famous book implied, in life, we only get two great loves. One who will teach us how to love and how to experience the piercing pain of a broken heart, and one who will truly and honestly love us for what we are and accept whatever faults we may have.
And as I’ve heard several times from several people, if it’s meant to be you guys, then it will be. Though I’m not at any point fatalistic nor do I believe that saying, I do believe that destiny will lead us and take us to where we’re destined to be, but it’s still our moves and the way we play our game that will establish and see where we’ll end up or how it will all turn out. And if ever you do choose to pursue him, keep yourself and your limits in mind, and always think that sometimes, it’s not really our decision anymore or our acts that will change the outcome of any event but by the act of the other. And though hastily trying to win someone back and forcing yourself on them is a big mistake, we’d always have to realize and absorb the idea, is this what “the X” wants and is that still how “the X” feels about us?
My philosophy teacher said, if we truly love someone, we have to let them grow, even if it means growing apart. And as sad and as hard as that struck me, I couldn’t at any angle deny its legitimacy. It was real it ached and throbbed like hell, because it was then and there that I realized that we just have to let some people go and understand the idea that maybe, just maybe, they’re better off without us. And though most break-ups and several trying to win someone back situations end in pain and agony, we just have to keep in mind and realize that no matter how much we try to alter a shirt or get it fixed, it will never fit the way we want it to, or the way it used to be, because sometimes, we just have to grow and realize that somethings aren’t really meant for us or just wasn’t intended to last as long as we would have wanted. But who knows right? Maybe with a little a growth, a little time, and a few new shirts, our old shirts that we once loved so much, will one day, out of the blue, fit us the way we wanted it to… and maybe this time, the fit will last.
Friday, September 26, 2003
“To Attach or Detach”
As I slowly grew weary and tired of my regular and predictable schedule, I couldn’t help but wonder, when will I be ready for change? My 9 to 5 or in this case 12 to 4, usually consists of going to school, going to the gym, sometimes a right turn at the movie house, and eventually ending the day at home, checking my email and exercising. Usually, I’d be done with my workout by 9, but for the past few days, I’ve been getting apathetic and lethargic, ending my workout as early as 7:30. It made me think and question my motives for going to the gym. As one of my friends transparently stated, I clinged on to the gym because I needed something to help me clear my mind and get everything that was bothering me out, or in short, it was my way of avoiding reality and seeing past the anxieties and helping my wounded ego return to its old self. It was sort of like my “ego alarm system-slash-nurse”, but recently for the past two to three weeks, no alarms and no bandages were sounded or wrapped around me because I’ve been emotionally balanced and particularly happy, and I didn’t really feel the need or the urge to attach so much of my time to the gym. And then it struck me, when we attach ourselves to something or someone, eventually in the end, what we’ve attached ourselves to, will become too homely or too predictable that we won’t have a choice but to detach ourselves once more for our new needs and new wants to be met. And if that is the case, is life just one big endless process of attaching and detaching?
As my philosophy teacher endlessly said, for us, the ego, to be independent from whatever we’re in need of, we first have to be dependent of it. And so I questioned him, is life really just supposed to be that impermanent and unstable, and sadly, he said yes. It made wonder and reflect about the needs and wants in a relationship. When those wants and those needs are met, is that the time when the relationship will end? Does that mean that everything that they’ve shared means completely nothing to them? And with that point in mind, are relationships just another version of survival of the fittest? Are we just in it for “ourselves” and not for “the two of us”?
As for one of my close friends who recently found her “new half” or her new “the one”, I couldn’t help but to think, what was new with this guy? And through my research and questioning, her new boyfriend was almost the complete opposite of her ex. He had somewhat of a “bad-boy” image as opposed to her “good-boy” ex-boyfriend, who from the point of many people was quite the submissive one. The new “the one” was something she never experienced, something she never had, and something that was foreign and unknown to my friend. From what I know, my friend came from a relationship that had almost or no drama at all, everything that she wanted, she got. And maybe at some point in their relationship, or in anyone’s relationship, we reach a saturation point where everything we need and want is available, and we end up re-analyzing our relationship and questioning our reasons for staying? Is there growth? Is the love enough? Is he/she who I really want? Am I happy? And once these questions are answered, do we still have the will to stay? As for my friend, she gave in to her new needs and he new wants and attached herself to a new man.
When we get into a relationship, it’s always supposed to be about “us” and not about “me”, but why is it that when relationships end, it’s always about “me” or my needs and my wants and not about our needs and our wants. As for my love-sickness partner-slash-confidant, her needs and her wants aren’t or haven’t been met in her relationship, but she has grown attached to the idea of a detached relationship; a relationship where they barely see each other and scarcely feel each other’s warmth and touch. She has grown accustomed to the idea that she doesn’t have a boyfriend, an idea that, in my opinion, has grown to another level. She has gotten used to the distance that they have, even if they’re only a few blocks apart. Torned by the “law”, this post modern Romeo & Juliet is evolving into a Romeo with no Juliet. Their detachment from each other, coming from my friend, has led her to lose some of the love that she has saved for him. It made me wonder, as much as I tell her to break it off with Romeo, since it is unfair to him and to herself, why is she so afraid of losing him, if what she felt for him is no longer there? And she answered me, I still love him, but “ewan ko”. Now, to me, when a person’s emotional being is at stake or on the line, “ewan ko” shouldn’t be the answer. Just question yourself and ask, am I growing from this relationship? Am I getting what I need and is what we have, meeting “my” wants?
In some ways, I understand my friend. She’s afraid of detaching herself from something that she has attached herself so tightly to without another hand to immediately save her from the fall. The fear of falling down that endless skyscraper and later finding out that in the end it ultimately ends and we’ll end up all bloody and messed up on the 6’oclock news, terrorizes us. Realizing that when we lose grip or let go of our loved one’s hands, the question that bothers and troubles everyone’s mind is that, is there another hand that will save us from falling? As I see it, when we let go, we have to fall first. We have to experience falling down those 20 to 30 or even 40 floors to fully absorb and take in the idea and the actual hurt that was brought unto us, but when we see that arm extending to stop our petrifying fall, the seemingly never-ending drop would have been all worth it. And again, as we try to get back on our feet and get ourselves together, we journey back to the top of our endless skyscrapers, but this time, we hold on more tightly, we walk more safely, we secure every step, we question things more than before, and we assure everything we do, making sure that this time, we won’t fall as hard and as painful as before...
Saturday, September 20, 2003
"Burberry On The Rebound"
As I searched the net for the price of the Burberry bucket hat that I’m thinking of purchasing, (since www.burberry.com had no hats available) I couldn’t help but notice all the fake and imitation hats that are out there. It made me wonder, if I bid on a product on E-Bay or Bidshot.com, what guarantees that it is authentic? What certifies that it is actually Burberry? And if that is the case, is the seller’s word ever enough for us? When it comes to relationships and moving on, it makes me wonder, what do we have to do to certify and prove that our love and happiness is genuine and not artificial?
Though many people might disagree and violently attest to my claims, my time of grieving for my ex has long been over. My sorrow isn’t really about her anymore, but about the thought of me living my life alone. The recent anxiety attacks that I’ve been incurring is somewhat due to the diet pills that I’ve been taking and not about “her”, as some people have blatantly implied. Genuinely, I’m happy, and though I wish some things could be different, I don’t regret anything anymore. An experience makes us stronger, and though it takes ample time to be authentically and completely over someone or something, the outcome of the period of misery would have been all worth it. But as the seller and a fellow buyer, we all know, that words are never enough. As they say, actions speak louder than words, or in this case, seeing is believing. But when we do see it, do we actually and truly believe it? With the several fake imitation hats out there, how easy is it to spot the fake from the real?
As for a friend of mine, though her shopping skills is quite intact, her eye for spotting what was real and what was not needed some sharpening. Her ex-boyfriend told her to move on because he wasn’t “in-love” with her anymore, and that is exactly what my rebounding heart broken friend did. As much I warned her to take her time and deal with the break up correctly, she found a mighty expensive fake Burberry bucket hat that suited her. After a few days of false happiness, her ex came back saying that he still loved her and that he wanted her back. As expected, she returned “the imitation” and bought back her old and genuine Burberry hat. The two had their talks and agreed that the ill-feelings were gone, but as authentic as it sounded, the ill-feelings were still there, shadowed by the amazingly similar stitching and the comparable cloth quality and texture, or in this case, the powerful love and the intense memories that they shared. But as we all know, love by any means is never enough, and as much as we’d like to think otherwise, love cannot sustain and manage a relationship alone. So there she was, faced with the fact that her boyfriend couldn’t truly and genuinely accept the idea that she found another hat to quickly cover the emptiness and shield her from the cold drafts that slowly and emotionally destroyed her. Eventually, my friend had no choice but to let her priceless and greatly cherished hat go, even if it meant leaving a costly and unsettled debt on her heart.
As for another friend, seeing what was real and what was fake wasn’t the issue, but it was more on accepting the facts and moving past the denial stage. She had her a “relationship” with “the gorgeous model” guy, but couldn’t grasp the concept that he wasn’t in it for a relationship. There she was wearing the hat, modestly and humbly flaunting the accessory, and dismissing any thought whatsoever that it was some fake imitation from Canal Street or Greenhills, while in fact it had “cheap knock-off” boldly written all over it. Though I give her much props for hooking a guy with that rep, living a fantasy and seeing reality are two different worlds. As some might agree, sooner or later the flaws and defects in any replica will pop up and ultimately, it will show its true colors, or as for my friend, “the gorgeous model” guy’s intentions. And as predicted, it did. The hat faded and fell apart, and though not much harm was done, nor anything was invested into the hat, a little part of my friend secretly wished that it was real.
Honestly, I must say, I don’t know much about fake Burberrys, fake Vuittons, or fake Icebergs, but what I do know is that it doesn’t last as long as the real ones. And if ever we do make the decision to buy something fake, since in fact, it is a whole lot cheaper and many of today’s society have grown accustomed to purchasing it, we’d have to be ready to maintain it and be alert of all the possible shortcomings and errors that will come about. Comparing the replica with the real one never hurts, but accepting the fact that what you have is a fake, is a realization that many people have to deal with. As for new relationships and “rebounding” effects, knowing what you can offer and what you expect is never a bad idea, but enforcing what we want and what we demand is unreasonable. Wishing for the old qualities of the old but homely hat, the same fit, the same color coordination, the correct bend, and the outfits that we’d wear it with, will certainly do us no good. It’s a brand new start and a new process of molding our Burberry bucket hat, whether fake or real, to fit our heads in a perfect “buckety” way. But the question that always seems to take over the mind of anyone who’s out there window shopping and searching for their Burberrys, is the question of how long will this hat last? And if that is the case, is the price of the hat ever reasonable?
For several people who just got over a long relationship, the concept of “rebounding” or quickly getting into a new relationship is a sickness that we as “the dumped ones” go through, but in my opinion, impulsively purchasing and quickly wearing the fake duplicate to fulfill the need of the original is never the answer. Dealing with the pain and the heartache and emotionally killing yourself is hard to take and definitely harder to accept, but hastily covering the pain without completely taking out the ill feelings or the attachments from the old hat will leave our heartaches and ours issues unresolved. As for me, I’ll patiently wait for the long-awaited sale at Burberrys or if that doesn’t happen, I’ll save every penny or centavo, for that matter, ‘til I can proudly open that door at Burberrys and try the hat that I’ve been longing for, and say “I’ll take this one.”
Monday, September 08, 2003
"Attention Shoppers: Sale on Aisle 12"
When we go shopping, there is always that part of the whole “sport” where we see what we want and imagine ourselves with it. For example, while cruising the mall and indulging in some stimulating window shopping, you come across this Hermés watch that you’ve been dying to get your hands on. You have a choice, to splurge and buy the watch or be practical and realize your constraints and gradually but sadly walk away. If you do make the choice to buy it, there is always that feeling, the feeling of temporary bliss and a hint of hesitation, but it’s there, attached to your wrist, and carrying the respectable and well-known name Hermés, or you could choose to earn for it, and buy it when it’s time. But when it comes to love, when we see the Hermés of loves, are we “splurge-aholics?”
Being an avid member of “Splurge-aholics Anonymous”, I know the feeling of doing too much. I guess it comes naturally when your love for someone goes to the extent that you put them beyond yourself. But at some point or another, I think in nature, we are all “splurge-aholics.” For example, a friend of mine would get into this “dating relationship” and splurge out all his love. He’d do everything, to get the love that he wants. He’d visit them wherever the special someone is, bring them ice cream, buy them flowers, basically make “ligaw”, and ironically, I understood him. Just like everyone else, he’s looking for his Hermés watch, or in this case, his temporary happiness. But, as serious shoppers, we know when there is a good deal and a bad bargain. When we go to the “tiangge”, we make “tawad”, and if the price is still high, we have no choice but to move on to the next stall.
As for a person who I hold close to my heart, her window shopping days have grown long and weary. Being in her early twenties and never experiencing the joy of love from that special someone, she has learned to stop shopping and decided to sit back and let life take its course. Though many would say that she isn’t missing much, I would have to disagree. The feeling of your first kiss, your first time falling in love, and definitely, your first broken heart, is irreplaceable and definitely memorable. Though I must admit that her roaming days are no where near extinction, I don’t agree with the idea to wait for happiness to come. Like a catalog, you have to order the product before it arrives. The girl is out there, sometimes discreetly checking out possible prospects, but usually ending up with a flaw that leads to her disliking. Though we all have the perfect image of what we want in a person, unlike a watch, we can’t get it custom-made. We have to take what life gives us and work around it. Physical appearance is definitely the first thing we look at, but by the third and fourth date, personality is what matters.
Picking the perfect watch that will go with your character and personality is without a doubt one of the hardest choices any watch fanatic would make. Square-faced? Silver Bezel? Automatic? Diamonds? Etc… And when it comes to picking the perfect mate, same rules apply. Tall? Skinny? Dark? Long hair? Funny? Snobby? Etc… But as frequent shoppers with many tastes would say, we shouldn’t limit ourselves to our norms or what we usually purchase, experiment and try new styles. Don’t discriminate, instead keep an open-mind, and see what happens. As for me, I’d usually shop at this particular store, but recently, I’ve shifted gear and decided to settle for something else. Something unconventional, yet practical. Though I’m not yet daring (nor do I ever think I will be) enough to wear the flower pattern shirts from Kenneth Cole or Paul Smith, I am ready for the simple plain shirts that I always thought made me look generic, generic in a sense that it’s plain and lifeless. But what I’ve realized is that something so plain, something so simple, can make anyone look so classic and so timeless, it just takes a little work and a little time. Before, I always thought, wearing these branded clothes would make me feel so secure and in a way, separate me from the rest, but what life has shown me, is that, it doesn’t matter what you have or what you can have, it’s what’s inside that matters the most. And as cliché as that might sound, it does have depth and makes plenty of sense.
As for relationships, picking the perfect person is never a bad idea. No one can go wrong with the perfect person right? But how rare is it to come across that perfect person? If you think about it, everyone that’s ever been in a relationship changed to fit their partner’s wants and needs. It’s their splurge. It’s what they’re willing to give up to get what they want. It could be smoking, alcohol, dating, drugs, and so forth. In my opinion, no one really ends up with the perfect idea of the perfect person, they shift, they evolve and they change their partner to fit their needs and wants. As for me, I’ve gone a long way from the “baggy-jeans-timberland-boot-wearing-fake-me-out-nigga-wannabe” to the little white boy image that I give out now. But slowly, I changed. Not because, it was enforced upon me, but because I knew that was what she wanted. I knew, that was what I had to do, to keep what I wanted around me. As I said, splurging would always be just temporary happiness, because as we all know, nothing stays the same. And just like shopping, when we run out of cash and our credit cards are all maxed out, we have no choice but to save and earn until we’re once again ready to splurge and purchase the next item on our shopping list.
Friday, September 05, 2003
"Over The Rainbow and Past The Storm"
While letting out my sadness and depression in the gym, I got to thinking about break ups and moving on. I’ve considered or at least thought of myself as being over my “ghost”. I thought I was genuinely happy and ready to move on with life and patiently wait for the next person in line, but eventually, the shell or the barrier that I created, hiding me from the boogey-monster under my bed or the ogres and trolls that endlessly haunts my life, cracked. It was unexpected and definitely unwanted. I wanted to forget, I wanted to be emotionless, but most of all, I wanted to move on. As much as I believed that I was at the rainbow, I couldn’t help but to think, what comes after? A new storm? Another rainbow?
Being convinced that I was out of Hurricane “Princess Ada”, I didn’t find any harm meeting and reuniting with a very close friend of mine, who was always prompt and present in my past. There we were, reminiscing the old times, discreetly avoiding the topic of my “ghost”. My mind forbid the idea of asking and nonchalantly bringing up the topic, but my heart wanted to do the opposite. I couldn’t take it, and lastly, I gave in. Before we parted ways, I heard the line that I never wanted to hear, but needed to fully and finally let go… “she’s dating.” There I was, standing face to face with the reality that I always avoided and immediately brushed off. I expected the rain to come hurl at me at every direction and waited for the punches and the cheap blows to knock me out, and it did. I broke down, and everything that I’ve enclosed myself in for the past 2 months seemed more surreal than it ever did. I always thought that by removing myself from the “haunted house”, I would be able to live a normal and ghost-free life, but as we all know, the past has its way of coming back and biting you in the ass. In this case, it was Nat.
As I see it, rainbows aren’t permanent… they never are. They show up unexpectedly in unexpected places, and just as well, disappear unpredictably. You can never foretell when and where it will appear because surprisingly, out of the blue, out of the storm, it just does. Same goes for break-ups. You can’t set a date and say I’ll be over you by “blah blah and blah blah”, because love is erratic and inconsistent. You’ll never know when you’ll truly be happy and completely and utterly over the fear of your ghost. Unlike relationships, the “ghosts” are forever. It can never be lost nor stolen, only avoided and ignored. Seeing past the colorless transparent ghosts and into the bright and colorful rainbow, our lives can somehow find someway to move on, and enjoy what’s in front of us. As for my friends, their rainbows came in different forms, a summer fling which so far evolved into a 3 month relationship, a time-consuming job which resulted in many friendships, a match made in heaven costing her, her friends, an ocean of happiness, a life devoted to waiting for her first love, a ride on the rollercoaster of trust and honesty, a journey to discover what they really want, and as for me, a new love…
So what does come after the rainbow? What comes after our happiness? Isn’t it quite ironic that right after the happiness, right after the high, we feel the pain and we experience the low? We all know the saying, if life throws us lemons, make lemonade, but have you ever wondered how much work it takes to make the perfect or almost perfect lemonade? Will we settle for something imperfect or something not close to perfect? I don’t think so. In my opinion, that is why we can never be truly happy. When we get what we want, we ask for more, for something better, for something unattainable. When we’ve reached the pot of gold at the end of our rainbow, do we keep the gold or journey on and search for more? Is our life a never-ending search for gold? Or in our case, happiness. If this is the case, when can we truly say, that it is enough?
My search for happiness or at least trying to win it back, had its limits. Though I never expected that I would go on for 7 months, I did. I fought, I struggled, and I did anything and everything that any man fighting to keep the happiness that once inhibited his heart would have done. As they say, the heart has reason, which reason itself does not understand. The heart makes us do crazy things. Things that helps us rid of the “what ifs” and the “what might have beens” that rampantly fills and overflows our heads after a break up.
I see the things that I did as a trail, a long muddy path booby-trapped with quicksands and pits. The harder I struggled, the harder I tried to escape, the quicker and the deeper I sank. I never realized that maybe, I was fighting too much. I never thought about my well-being, ignoring what was in front of me, and only seeing the past. Why do we hold on so hard?
Everyone knows that life is dynamic. Eventually everything will change. As easy as that was to say, how easy is it to accept the changes? Maybe that is why we hold on so hard to the past. We can never fully accept the changes taking place and the modifications occurring. We hold on too hard to what we had and forget that life is moving. The past is our memoirs of happiness. A tempting and sinful enchantment that temporarily satisfies our emotions, but eventually we will be punished for it. Facing the present is frightening. Not knowing what lurks in the corner or what’s in store for us down the road, we try to keep what we had before as a security blanket. The fear of the future and the aching need for the past holds us back. We need to live for the moment and for ourselves because life is a continuous and unending journey. And as I learned it the hard way, life will go on with or without you on board.
