Thoughts...
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
“Masking Reality”
As I experienced a lot of things end this week, school, my seemingly endless jar of creatine, and the last day with my gym partner, I couldn’t help but deny that I wasn’t at all enthusiastic about “the final chapter”, as I liked to call it. Today, as expected, my gym buddy’s gym-mate came back from France, and I was yet again, left alone. I was there benching about 60 lbs without anyone spotting me, looking after me, and making sure that I was doing the exercise correctly. I was completely and utterly destroyed about my loss, but whenever he, my gym-mate, came by, I put up a front and neatly put on my happy-face mask, letting him know that I was alright by myself, and that I didn’t need his help whatsoever. And then it got me thinking, are masks in fashion only on Halloween? Or have we been sporting masks all year round? And if that is the case, do we really ever reveal ourselves when it comes to our friends and our loved ones, and at some point, can we ever truly say that we are really real?
As I always thought and believed that I should do everything by myself because in the long run, that’s the only person I can trust, I couldn’t deny that I enjoyed my gym-partner’s company. It was in a way, very comforting and very encouraging, and to some level, I became quite happy and satisfied with what we had. But on that terrible and agonizing Wednesday afternoon, I couldn’t help but feel jealous of his old gym partner who came back from his 20 day tour of Europe. As sad as I sounded, I certainly didn’t look the part. I acted confident and showed no sign of sadness whatsoever. I was happy!! And definitely independent. But why didn’t I feel it? Why did I feel the opposite? I couldn’t help but wonder, why do we act so strong when in reality, we really aren’t? Why do we put up this front that makes us seem so “I got everything together” when in fact, we’re really just so vulnerable and so fragile inside?
As for a person that I’ve grown quite attached to for the short time that I’ve known him, his mask is a beautifully designed “I’m surviving” mask. A mask which he used to seek redemption, retribution, and temporary happiness after a terrible a painful break-up. This “kuya” of mine is definitely someone just enjoying his life and living it to the fullest, even if it means, shedding some of his years and acting like a rampant and uncontrollable 19 year old guy who was just introduced to sex. But his life and his current lifestyle made me question mine as well. Why was I always turning down dates and set-ups from my friends who were so eager to see me date? Why was I always so scared of becoming like my “Kuya” here, having an engagement almost every night. Why couldn’t I just go out and enjoy life for what it was? Why was I so hesitant and so afraid to take a chance, and in a way, love again?
As much as I wanted to be quite open and somewhat frank about speaking my mind, I couldn’t help but deny that I was hiding the truth. I was scared. I was scared of allowing someone to enter my world yet again and become the center of it once more. Then it hit me, do we wear these masks to cover our emptiness and the hurt that fills our love-fearing souls? Or are we all just closet pessimists, who are frightened and fearful to our wits when it comes to love?
As for a close college friend of mine, her mask of insecurity and mask of pessimism was always on. She was afraid of losing the guy that she gave up everything for, and in a way, afraid that history will repeat itself and end up biting her in the ass. Her fear of love, due to so many failed relationships, has in a way, traumatized my friend too much. She has grown weary and tired of always being the one trying to fight for the relationship, while the other parks itself and only aids in bringing it down. Though many events and setbacks have occurred, her will and determination has been put to the test, and in a way proved a lot of people wrong. But like everyone else, we have our limits and our saturation points to when we can fight for the love of someone and when we have to stop. And when that moment comes, let go, because sometimes, fighting too much is really, just too much. And though some of us would rather prefer to keep going and pursue the loved one that we are losing, keep it mind that it won’t always turn out the way we would have wanted it to or the way we imagined it would be, because as we all know, the slightest little thing could change the outcome of the future in a big, big way.
But even though many relationships, friendships included, are easily destroyed through little white lies and deceitful acts, we have to go on with our lives, and make a decision on what mask will go with our outfit today, because as we all know, life won’t stop and wait for us to recover from the all the emotional baggage that our hearts and our souls carry, but what we can do, is to try to live life for what it is, even if it means, wearing a mask and covering our badly beaten faces, for the time being. But when the time comes when we’re ready to reveal our true surface, the scars, the blemishes, and the craters that once haunted our character, will seem like a distant memory, and we’ll just remember it, and do nothing but plainly laugh and casually wonder, what was I hiding from?
